angstmaster666's Journal

Sunday, September 11, 2005

6:05PM - The Endless Pain

Four years ago the World Trade Center was attacked. Everybody seems to care - except me. I think it horrible, but no more horrible than everything else in this world. I think life could be wonderful if living things didn't ruin it. What I really mean is that life couldn't be wonderful and that we are only worthy of death anyway. In that sense the 9/11 attacks were an act of courage, not cowardice. When you think of it that life is pointless, anything that ends it is good. And with that said I think we can safely assume that life is terrible and that the end of it is good.

Death has more publicity and more appeal than life, at least it my eyes. Life is boring and depressing, death is sexy. Serial Killers wouldn't be the same without death, and neither would the death sentance. In fact the sexy aura that death generates is so pleasingly wonderful that it generates billions of dollars in Hollywood. Without death literature would be boring and so we should appreciate death and all things that cause it.

The one thing that worries me is my death, or more the afterlife. I hope the afterlife does not exist, because when it comes to life and getting another chance all I can think is, oh god not another one. I think if there was an afterlife that we would already be there by chance, and that if this is the afterlife then we are not looking forward to anything. In fact if this is the afterlife then we have nothing to look forward to anyway, but if this is life and lets say there is a Hell that is worse than it, well I hardly see that as possible. The theory of heaven has its flaws as well, how could we improve on life and actually have living things at the same time? We cannot! Living things ruin life and that is why life is already ruined.

What all this concludes me to is that it is not worth suicide on the off chance I go somewhere worse than here. But it is not worth living because it is terrible because living things ruin it. In an ideal world when we die, were dead, gone, finished. However as I already know this is not an ideal world so the chances of it being finished is slim, none, nilch, nothing. This brings me to the further conclusion that God has screwed us all completely.

If I was to kill myself, I would consider it my right. I didn't choose to live, but I have a choice wheather I want to or not. I think that makes it a human right.

Current mood:

cynical

Current music: You Know Your Right - Nirvana

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Friday, September 9, 2005

10:55AM - What a terrible morning

I had a dream last night. In the dream I was so truely happy for a change, well at least, by the end of it. It felt like everything had finally finished and I was finally free of life. In the dream I was walking down a street and a man shot me. Unlike most frightening dreams it did not scare me into waking up, I was blissfully pleased I was dead. I was in the afterlife and it was beautiful. I woke up soon after that.

It was like having my dreams taken away, in fact, my dream was taken away. That is the typical irony that is life. It felt like I had been blasted some second chance at a life I hate. I woke up and made myself a coffee, only to find that there was no sugar left. It doesn't bother me, nobody treats me sweet, so a sour coffee could be no worse than living in this horrible planet, and no worse than the horrible people that roam its surface.

I am sick of people patronising me for my view on the world. When I mention that everyone is horrible and mean they just say "and your arn't." And I always think to myself, "of course I am, I'm useless and horrible" Maybe I should say it, well I just did. You would like it if I put myself down so there you go. I am used to being humiliated, I bet you would like me bang my head against a wall. I can do it. I have a wall right here, made of solid bricks. I have a head as well, solid and filled with bricks. Oh that last comment really tickled you didn't it.

I am sick of people trying to cheer me up, they say things like "oh look at the beautiful sea," or "how about that wonderful sunset." The fact is I have seen the sunset and the sea so many times I have grown to hate it. The ocean is particulary terrible, I am more invited by the chance that I might be eaten by a shark. The sunset disappoints me because it means once again the sun is going away which lowers my chance of getting skin cancer. Sunrise on the other hand is wonderful because of that, but still horribly and morbidly ugly. It looks like God just farted in the sky.

I hope today isn't as bad as yesterday. But it certainly will be.

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Thursday, September 8, 2005

4:38PM - Welcome to my new journal

I have leaped out from the harrowing endless pain of my depression and into another world. Seeing that this world is livejournal it is equally or, as I loath to say, even more depressing. However I feel a site filled with people with my same realisitic world view of this horrible evil world is somewhat a blessing to my depression, and a burden to my happiness. Either way I would loose, I guess at least this way I am not lonely.

I am sick of being lonely, all these people in the terrible world. Most of them thinking they are happy with life. Life, what do they know about life. I hate it when they even talk about it. They all tell me there is so much to live for but I don't see it. It is just more traps and mazes trying to plunge me down even further than I already am.

At school today one of the morons in the room poked some fun at me. I don't care anyway, I poke fun at myself all the time, always hoping I will enjoy it as much as they do. However it always just brings me down. A pity that is and I don't know what to do about it. There is a bright side however, so bright that it gives me a headache just writing about it.

I have this terrible pain in my arm. I think it was done by the knife. I thought blood might cheer me up.

Would you like to see my cry? You would wouldn't you. All the people at school like to see me cry so I don't see why you wouldn't.

Oh I am already sick of this life.

Current mood:

depressed

Current music: Filter - So Cool